The Situation in Hell
by Dragon Silhouette
Summary: Alfred writes a chemistry test and proves the existence of Heaven and God - oh, and pisses off Madeline (but this is off-screen). [Fail attempt at humour.]


**Disclaimer:** Hetalia is not mine. _**"The Situation in Hell" essay is also not mine.**_  
**Warnings:** USxfem!Can. (Because I cannot seem to write yaoi these days, I love USCan, and fem!Canada is adorable.) AU. Random drabble to keep myself awake (I feel incredibly tired and super insomniac at the same time... Not sure if that's possible...)

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**The Situation in Hell**

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Alfred F. Jones tuned out Professor Kirkland and stared at his laptop. He had just befriended Madeline Williams on Facebook. He had been crushing on her for a while, but for all of his "heroic bravery," his friend Gilbert Beilschmidt had to push him into the blonde to get them to meet each other.

(Note to self: Murder Gilbert for making him look uncool in front of Maddie.)

And now...

He took a deep breath and started typing.

* * *

**Alfred F. Jones || Madeline Williams**

**Alfred F. Jones:** Hey, wanna go out?

**Madeline Williams: **No.

* * *

Alfred stared at his screen, a strange feeling blossoming in his heart.

* * *

Two Weeks Later

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**(Mobile) Alfred F. Jones || Madeline Williams**

**Alfred F. Jones:** Go out with me.

**Madeline Williams:** It will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you.

**Alfred F. Jones:** DX

* * *

One Month Later

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Madeline Williams checked her Facebook status on her laptop and, sure enough, there was another post (invitation for a date) from one Alfred F. Jones.

She was just about to reject him again when she remembered what her best friend Francis Bonnefoy had said to her: _"It sounds like he really likes you, ma amie. Maybe you should give him a chance?"_

Madeline bit her lip.

She hadn't gone out with anyone ever since high school...

Ever since she got dumped by Ivan Braginski – hard.

(There was word that his sister Natalya had forced him to do it, but she never really believed it. What would Natalya gain from their break-up?)

"_You cannot stop trying to find a relationship just because of one bad boyfriend, Madeline. Keep your mind open and perhaps you will find your fated other half somewhere~"_

... If this didn't work out, she was totally going to blame Francis.

Madeline opened up a chat with Alfred and placed her fingers on the keyboard.

* * *

**Madeline Williams || Alfred F. Jones**

**Madeline Williams:** Hi.

**Alfred F. Jones:** Hey.

**Alfred F. Jones:** Did you change your mind~?

**Madeline Williams:** Yes.

**Alfred F. Jones:** Aww...

**Alfred F. Jones:** Wait, what?

**Alfred F. Jones:** Are you serious?

**Madeline Williams:** Yes.

**Alfred F. Jones:** O_O? Is this a dream?

**Madeline Williams:** Are you gonna ask me out or what?

**Alfred F. Jones:** OKAY OKAY

* * *

"I'm an atheist," Madeline said bluntly.

"I'm Christian." Alfred beamed. "Look how much we have in common!"

Madeline mentally facepalmed, but also laughed out loud. He was really funny...

"If you can give me a reasonable explanation as to how and why God exists..." She winked at him suggestively. _This better work, Francis..._

Alfred swallowed. "You're on."

* * *

Next Day

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Alfred inwardly groaned at the last question of his chemistry test.

The past two hours had been absolutely torturous. With all those _"If chemical _x_ was mixed into solution _y_ and was heated for _m_ minutes in _t_ degrees Celsius, and then catalyst _c_ was added, what would the reaction blah blah blah...?" _he really had no time (and inclination... and brain power) left for answering the bonus question:

_Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?_

His phone vibrated.

With super awesome ninja skill(z), he discreetly checked the text and felt himself redden.

_ru done yet? im rly lonely ;)_

BAM! Instant brainwave!

He quickly typed a reply to his official girlfriend and grinned at the question.

* * *

Two Months Later

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Professor Kirkland approached Alfred as he was packing up. "Alfred, may I speak with you for a moment?"

Alfred blearily looked at the professor. "Yeah?" He struggled to keep his lids up. He had had a really long day (or night~... Heh).

"I was very... impressed with your essay on the last test," Professor Kirkland said. "Do you mind if I share it with the other professors?"

To be honest, Alfred really had no idea what he wrote on that last test. "Oh, uh, sure. Whatever." All he wanted was to snuggle with his girlfriend and fall asleep on her bed with her head on his lap and her golden hair fanning out and –

"Congratulations, Mr. Jones." Professor Kirkland handed him his test back. "You were the only one to get an A."

"... Really?" He should be happy... but he was really tired.

Out of the little curiosity he managed to muster, he flipped to the bonus question and blinked at his answer:

_Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?_

_First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving._

_As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell._

_With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added._

_This gives two possibilities:_

_1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose._

_2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over._

_So which is it?_

_If we accept the postulate given to me by [Madeline a month ago] that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over._

_The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, [Madeline] kept shouting "Oh my God."_

... Gotta hide this from Madeline. She'll be pissed he had just disproven her (non) belief.

... On the other hand...

"_If you can give me a reasonable explanation as to how and why God exists..."_

Oh, Hell yes.

Smirking, he pocketed the test and left the room wide awake and considerably happier.

After all, angry sex was the best kind, right?

* * *

**Fail attempt at humour.**

**The main humour isn't even mine. Am I going to get arrested for plagiarism? I put a disclaimer, didn't I?**

**I'm sorry. I just found _the Situation in Hell_ essay on a random Google search and I just had to share it. What better way than writting a drabble ****(albeit a sucky drabble)?  
I'm pretty sure a lot of you already know that joke, but whatever...  
**

**The bracketed words are the parts that I altered so for the most part, that essay is the original. No idea who wrote it (I applaud him/her though). I suggest you Google it.**


End file.
